Homesick in Holland: Coping with Missing Home as an Expat
For a lot of people, homesickness can start in the gut. Truly, I mean it. Some people describe it like an insatiable hunger or a feeling of emptiness. A clawing... nagging... gnawing sensation that can feel unmanageable. A craving for home, but home may be thousands of kilometers away. It can strike at anytime, or build slowly in your mind. Regardless of how it starts or feels for you, it is something that MOST expats/internationals have endured.
Homesickness, in the most basic of definitions, is a longing for home. Or in other words, a longing for the familiar comforts that we have been used to leaning on for years. Homesickness can be a craving for a place, a person, weather, language, food, friends or even your pet. Homesickness can also be a nasty combination of all of the above. But remember what I just said - it's often times a longing for the familiar when we feel stressed, alone or scared in a new place. Our brains are used to leaning on these things for comfort and a sense of predictability.
So how do you cope?
Let's break this down into 3 steps:
STEP 1: Be unbelievably kind to yourself. Keep an eye out for those "yeah, but.." or "I shouldn't feel this way" statements that may be floating around in your head in times of homesickness. What do I mean by this? Well, it can be a frequent thought that because we are experiencing a new place/country, we SHOULD feel grateful for it and may even feel guilty for feeling like you want to run back home. If we tell ourselves our current feelings don't matter, we invalidate our experience. When we invalidate our experience, we add more negativity to an already upset brain. Just as you feel excited with living abroad, you're also allowed to feel homesick. It's ok to not be ok sometimes. It's ok to feel homesick. This is normal, expected and can be managed. But we can only manage our feelings when we give them space to breathe. Be kind to yourself even in times of negativity - it'll help give yourself motivation and energy to feel better.
STEP 2: Bring home to you. Contrary to popular belief, leaning into familiar comforts won't set you back. When you're feeling truly homesick, see what you can do to bring bits of home to you. This can look different depending on what your needs are (and we know what our needs are when we take time to listen to our feelings instead of pushing them aside - see step 1). Experiment and try different things. Try making a classic dish from home, call your family and tell them honestly how you feel, get the latest gossip from your friends back home so you feel more connected, or make a weekly Zoom call schedule with your loved ones so you always have something to look forward to during the week. These can be beautiful reminders of your roots. Gradually, our brains will adjust to your surroundings and may need these comforts less and less as you get used to your new home. Going cold-turkey on familiar comforts does more harm than good. Ease yourself into it and embrace who you are and where you came from.
STEP 3: Don't isolate! Easier said than done, I know. You may feel the urge to be by yourself because of shame, guilt, or feeling like no one here will understand. Perhaps you're worried that if you're around others, you won't be able to hide your homesickness and you fear what others may think of you. But how about I propose an alternative perspective. What if your friends here were also feeling the same? What if they also had the same hesitation that you have as to why you don't want to be around others? When we assume, we close ourselves off to alternatives that can be incredibly healing. True and meaningful relationships involve vulnerability. Vulnerability invites closeness. Closeness can help homesickness. You don't have to do this alone. Lean on others.
Just like with starting a new habit, adjusting to a new place takes time, reassurance and repetition. Don't feel discouraged if homesickness comes back. Ask yourself what the homesickness is truly saying to you. Have you been stressed at school and miss the home-cooked meal your mom used to make for you whenever you were having a bad day? Call mom, ask for the recipe, and try to make it yourself. Did your Dutch boyfriend just dump you and then sent you a Tikkie for dinner that night? Get your friend from home on the phone and vent your heart out and then invite a local friend over. Are you overwhelmed because you just moved and you feel completely terrified? Cry, talk it over with family, be kind to yourself, and have your dad send a cute video of the family pet.
At the end of the day, always reach out to a counselor/therapist if you feel trapped in your homesickness and need help managing. You're not supposed to do this alone.
I'll leave you with this: Living abroad is challenging enough - you're allowed to stay connected to your roots to help you adjust to this new life.
