Who Am I? Finding Your Sense of Self
Do you clam up when someone asks you this? → “So tell me a bit about yourself”?
You’re not alone. Perhaps you don’t fully know how to answer this question for yourself, which makes it harder to give an answer to others. Identity and defining who we are is something we don’t always take time to figure out. Often, we are on autopilot just trying to get through the day, without truly checking in with ourselves. Why is this important? Well, I’m glad you asked!
Knowing who we are is key in understanding what makes us happy, sad, motivated, depressed, anxious and everything else that comes with being human. Having an idea of what makes you tick gives a sense of purpose and direction when things around you feel confusing, stressful or daunting. Having a strong sense of self is like having a strong foundation to a house - it’s hidden, unseen, but keeps us upright and stable. Exploring your foundation is key to understanding the parts of you that well, make you YOU.
Bear in mind, that we are never just one thing. We are not just a student, or a mother, or an employee. We are not just a “job”. We are a collection of values, experiences and desires that point us in different directions and aid us in decision-making. Our sense of self is inherently a sense of confidence to choose and try different paths to lead to fulfillment. Identity is both flexible and adaptable. Remember my metaphor about identity being a foundation to a house? Let me add another layer. This house (you) can be renovated and decorated throughout it’s life. Rooms can be added, walls can be painted, but your foundation keeps it all upright. Due to identity being flexible, it’s extra important to check-in with yourself frequently to keep you aware of any big shifts in your life and how that might affect you.
Let me ask you 3 questions to help you get in touch with your identity:
1) What do you value?
Values are HUGE when it comes to knowing your sense of self. If you imagine yourself as driving a car, your values are the GPS/Google Maps, which tells you where to go. Frequently, people refer to values as part of your inner compass, which guides you through life. Let me give you an example: If I value connection, I will do my best to frequently check-in with my loved ones, or go on coffee-dates with friends, or have long, heart-to-heart conversations with people around me.
Values can change based on several different contexts. For example, I may value intimacy with my partner, but definitely not with my boss. Some values change over your lifetime (for instance, having a child may make you value family), and some remain constant. You get to discover this for yourself. Let me include a list of common values, and see which ones you resonate with the most. When looking through this list, see what decisions you’ve already made that you’ve done to fulfill a specific value.
Simplicity, Calmness, Family, Performance, Stability, Caring, Friendships, Personal Development, Success, Challenge, Optimism, Security, Benevolence, Excellence, Open-Mindedness, Self-Control, Boldness, Expressiveness, Originality, Selflessness, Brilliance, Fairness, Passion, Dependability, Knowledge, Punctuality, Adventure, Diversity, Leadership, Recognition, Advocacy, Empathy, Learning, Relationships, Ambition, Encouragement, Love, Reliability, Appreciation, Enthusiasm, Loyalty
2. What are your five greatest strengths/weaknesses?
Understanding this question is a great way to acknowledge the things that bring you up, and the things that bring you down. Every human has different strengths/weaknesses. We cannot be perfect people, so having an idea of what makes you unique, is a great way to help be aware of specific situations and how it may help/hurt you.
It’s also important to see weaknesses as possible areas of skill improvement, rather than something you’re “stuck” with. Along this line, think about how you would improve that skill and what it would look like to change that weakness into a strength?
3. If you could change anything about your current situation, what (if anything) would you change? Why or why not?
This question is a double whammy. For one, it is a great question to make you pause and reflect on how you’re doing and what you feel may be missing, which helps you understand who you are. Secondly, it can be a great way to add a little mindfulness into your routine - essentially, this question is one big check-in to see how you’re feeling.
This question also goes back to how certain values may not be given as much attention as they need, making you feel unfulfilled. You might find flexibility/room to change that you haven’t yet considered, or you may find peace in knowing you feel ok as you are now. It can be a difficult question to answer, but remind yourself that the hardest questions can be the most productive when it comes to self-discovery.
If you want to ask yourself more questions, there are TONS online! This process also takes time, so don't rush it. It's a combination of reflection, imagination and check-ins. If you find this process confronting, or too challenging, it is always recommended to discuss this with a therapist who can gently guide you through this process. Knowing who we are doesn’t always come inherently, and asking for help is normal and expected.
I’ll leave you with this: Your identity is precious and entirely yours. Understanding who you are can have a ripple effect so profound, you may see the world clearer and feel more confident in decisions you’ve made, or have yet to make.
