Learning Dutch: How to Handle the Pressure and Enjoy the Process

You’ve settled into a good routine following your move to the Netherlands. Classes are going well, or work has finally stopped feeling so new. Perhaps it’s been a couple weeks or a few months since your move-in date. You’ve found a rhythm with your new life abroad and feel comfortable biking, socializing and exploring your new surroundings. Well done!

Like a shadow looming over your shoulder, you feel it coming…. “So, when are you going to learn Dutch?”

You hate this question. It’s something you’re starting to get asked more and more now that it’s been some time since you’ve settled. The more people ask you, the more defensive you become, or the more withdrawn or “called-out” you feel. However, what does this lead to? This does not sound like the proper recipe for feeling motivated to learn a whole new language. The pressure feels overwhelming, and as a result, you don’t have the space, nor mental capacity to start the process. The pressure to learn Dutch becomes too much, and suddenly the whole process is too difficult to even begin. How on Earth do you handle something like this? Let’s talk it though.

First of all, let’s look at the emotional context here. Why does that question cause such a reaction? Perhaps it’s our interpretation of it as internationals. That question can feel like an attack, or a criticism as to what you haven’t done yet. You may have settled into this new life, but this question can feel like you still aren’t ENOUGH. Despite all that you’ve accomplished, this piece... this final piece, feels like the barrier between you and feeling like you belong.

But let’s take a minute and remember what this piece really is. This piece, this thing that you feel so much pressure to accomplish in an impossibly short time, is learning an ENTIRELY NEW LANGUAGE. We’re not talking about finishing up the paperwork to get a bank account, or buying your first bike. We’re talking about something that takes years to do.

Here are a few tips to help you actually start learning Dutch:

Tip #1: Manage your expectations and be patient

As I just stated, learning a language takes time. Being able to go from no Dutch to fluency is an extremely challenging process that requires years of learning. Don’t expect yourself to pick it up any faster than what is realistic for you. Your life does not have to go on pause until you succeed in learning Dutch. You have work, school, travel and a social life that comes before learning Dutch, and that is ok. Feeling like you need to sacrifice something that brings you joy for the sake of learning Dutch can lead to you to resent the process. Create realistic, achievable, and flexible expectations of your Dutch learning journey. Do it YOUR way. There’s tons of apps, books and online courses that can be adaptable to your schedule. Find what is most do-able for you from both a scheduling standpoint and from what suits your learning style the best.

Tip #2: Understand why Dutchies love to ask that question

The dreaded question “so, when are you going to learn Dutch” is our biggest nightmare to answer due to the emotional context we discussed earlier. We add our own insecurities and interpretations of that question, which makes us hate the very idea of answering it. Let’s slow it down, and really look at the meaning behind why that question is so commonly asked of internationals. It’s a simple answer: it’s a conversation starter. It’s SMALL TALK for most Dutch people. At most, it’s rooted in pure curiosity, not judgement. Most Dutch people are simply wondering if you’d like to start the process, or if you have, what you find most interesting/difficult about language learning. The vast majority of people who ask this question of you are not trying to criticize you, but simply get to know you or start a conversation. Thinking about it now, have you ever noticed how often Dutch people are the ones to joke about their own language? Not to say every Dutch person sees their language as a joke, but to more so provide their own light-hearted interpretation of what learning their language must be like to foreigners.

All that to say, trust that the question is not asked out of malicious intent to embarrass you, but as a lighthearted way to start a conversation. Dutchies are notoriously direct - and this is just another example of that directness. The beauty of this is you can then safely put up boundaries with this question. A simple “I don’t want to talk about that, it stresses me out” will suffice. You don’t have to justify or defend your language learning process to anyone.

Tip #3: Find your INTRINSIC motivation

Learning Dutch because everyone is telling you to learn Dutch is not a sustainable way to feel motivated for the process. Why? Because you’re doing it to please other people, not yourself. Anything worth doing must come from the heart. Doing things because YOU want to is the best way to start anything. So take a minute and really think about why learning Dutch is something that would make you happy. Don’t think about what other people are saying, but think about what learning this new language would do for your life.

Ok, here are a few examples intrinsic motivators for learning Dutch:

- You’ve always wanted to be bilingual, and you have a great opportunity to pursue this goal by living in a foreign country.

- You’re really excited to be able to order coffee by yourself or make an appointment at the doctor. The idea of more independence in your life is very appealing.

- You want to challenge yourself to start a new hobby. Language learning can be that for you.

- You want to meet new people, and a Dutch class could be a great place for just that.

- You want to show-off to your friends when they come to visit (why not?).

- You feel drawn to live in a little village in the Netherlands, and want to integrate into their way of life in a meaningful way. Learning Dutch could help with that.

- You really want permanent residency or citizenship, and you want to learn Dutch as part of that process.

- You want to be able to understand and make jokes in Dutch.

Whatever motives you should come from YOU, not others. Take the pressure that you feel externally and see if you can come up with internal motivators for learning the language. You might find that this method actually makes learning Dutch exciting for you, rather than something you dread.

Give yourself credit for what you’ve accomplished so far, and remember that learning Dutch will come at your own pace. Manage expectations of the process, and don’t compare yourself with others. Be patient and remember that learning a language is HARD. Remind yourself that Dutch people are not trying to make you feel bad, and you can set boundaries with them if you need to. Finally, find out why YOU want to learn Dutch, barring opinions/pressures from anyone else. When it comes from the heart, it’s much easier to both be motivated and to enjoy the process itself.

I’ll leave you with this: No one has the right to judge you for your language-learning journey. Creating a low-pressure environment is the best way to make learning Dutch the smoothest, most enjoyable process for you. If that involves setting boundaries, or challenging your insecurities, it's gotta happen. Mental health counselors/therapists can help you with this process.